This Little Light of Mine

Last week, as I was busily working away at the table, my husband informed me I had an aura. He added, going back to work suits you well. I don't know that he saw angelic lights surrounding me while seraphims and cherubims sang, but I do know I was extremely happy. The sick part is, it was after 10 at night, I had been working from home for several hours after working at an office all day, but I was happy. Maybe it wasn't an aura he saw, maybe it was just the light of the end of the tunnel. Ya know the one, we've been waiting on for the better part of two years.

Those of you, who have read this blog before, know I was working part time, barely returned to full time and was once again laid off. I wasn't very happy with several aspects of that job, so while the end result didn't exactly bring tears to my eyes, its disappearance made finances tighter than they had been.

Then as if all the stars and planets simultaneously aligned in the House of Janine ( I believe that's the 10th house--Capricorn), I had 2 straight weeks of nothing but multiple interviews. My measly weekly unemployment payments could not cover the interview gas expense. Everything started happening at once, everyone was moving rapidly knowing that I was actively interviewing. Then, I found it.

It was like sliding on a pair of jeans and having your butt look awesome even though you didn't do squats that week and had a chocolate milkshake (yes, with whip cream, why would you even wonder).

The excitement, the opportunity, the satisfaction is probably why, even now as my blackberry vibrates, I don't mind stopping to see what is needed. It's much easier to give something all you have, when you want to as opposed to have to. I guess the same could be said for relationships.

Perhaps, what my husband actually saw was happiness, me without stress all around, me back in my element. While I know my first few paychecks will pay out larger bills than normal, I also know that I can pay my bills again. That I can eventually take Gabriel on excursions, go shopping once more, work on the house again, eventually take a real vacation. Will everything happen as rapidly as I would like? Probably not, I lack this thing called patience. But it will happen, the light is starting to shine once more.

On my way to work this morning I saw a license plate that read "i magine". I think I will.

Seriously, My Dad Can Cook and Sew

I didn't grow up in a two parent household, but I grew up with two parents. I wasn't the only child in my grade school to have divorced parents, but it wasn't until I was older that I realized some kids only had one parent. Normally, that one parent was the mom. Dads often seem to get a bad reputation in the world of parenting. This never made sense to me because I had a dad, a very present and loving dad.

There is a commercial, where the stressed dad tries to make a hotdog in the microwave because his wife isn't there and he isn't sure what to do. The hotdog is inedible. I hate this commercial and I find it insulting to mankind. My dad didn't buy microwave dinners and take us to a fast food place to eat. My dad cooked for us and we helped. Some of my best soups are ones he taught me to make. Just like my dad, I have a hard time telling others how to make these soups because a pinch of this and a dash of this, doesn't help someone who wants measurements. My brother has a special green bean recipe he created when he was 8 with my dad. My dad tried to teach me how to bake, but somethings are just not teachable in my world. If you want a cake, don't come to me.

My dad didn't look at a vacuum cleaner in a confused state of mind or at a sponge wondering what it did. He knew what these things did, even if he didn't like to use them. This is probably why we had chores!

I only know one person who can sew by hand as well as my father, and that's my husband. They can both have 5 buttons on a shirt while I'm still on the first button. The two of them probably have more in common than either would like to admit. For example, neither has really taught me to sew. Guess they will just have to keep doing it for me.

My dad and I have always been close. As I have gotten older, we have had our battles, we are both stubborn people who are always right. But despite or perhaps because of this, I will always be daddy's little girl. He taught me to pay attention to my surroundings, to not be afraid no matter where I was, to walk with my head held high. He taught me that I could be anything I wanted to be if I tried, no matter what anyone else said. My dad taught me feminism. He showed me a different part of life, the part where people don't always have everything they need, let alone everything they want. He taught me to care for others and as a result I developed an empathy for people that sometimes causes me to be very "save the world".

I never understood the fathers and the mothers who leave. I never understood the fathers and mothers that can't or don't. Yes, people I said "and mothers". Look around today and you will find that many children, who have only one parent, only have a father. Perhaps, the marketing departments of the world need to catch up on that.

Was my dad perfect? Of course, not. Does he have his faults? Of course. Like most adults I don't look at my parents with rose colored glasses, but their mistakes and their mishaps have helped shape me as a person. I had a good example as to what a man should be and shouldn't be. Perhaps, my dad wishes that he didn't teach me a lot of the shouldn'ts, but without those, I wouldn't have been able to step out into the world as a woman and take care of myself.

Now as a parent myself, I get to see my father be a grandpa. I am glad my son has the time he has with my dad. I sometimes get frustrated and wish he would do more of what I ask, but in the end I turned out pretty near perfect (stop laughing)...the time my son spends with my dad will only serve to make him a more well rounded individual. Some lessons are priceless. I wouldn't be the person I am today without the dad I have, with all his positives and negatives.

I Can Afford Laundry Soap

I spent the better part of the last week trying to figure out exactly how I was going to survive with no income for 2 weeks. It wasn't that I would starve, but I would need gas to get to work, there is only one roll of toilet paper left, and I am out of laundry soap. It appeared that my first 2 weeks back to work would be the hardest financially in the last 2 years. Today, I went to do what I thought was my last unemployment filing, only to find the system won't accept my return to work date of tomorrow until next week. I will receive unemployment pay this week for the last time. A huge weight was lifted off my shoulder. I could buy laundry soap, toilet paper, and have gas money.

The fact that being able to buy laundry soap could alleviate so much stress made me reflect on the last few years.

It hasn't at all been easy. It's been hard and stressful. There's been bouts of depression, periods of anger, there's been a lot of blame, there's been a lot of screaming. There's been late fees and collection calls, there's been tears. There's been feelings of despair and hopelessness, there's been a lot of sleeping. There's been mac n cheese dinners made without milk or butter, depending on which one we were out of. There's been small grocery lists and no mall purchases.

It hasn't been continuously awful. There's been at home movie nights and library trips. There's been bike rides and camping in the living room. There's been cooking together as a family, there's been hugs, there's been laughter. There's been glimmers of hope, there's been zero balances and pay offs. There's been a rebuilding on very personal levels.

We didn't lose our house, like so many did. We didn't have to pull our son from his school like others did. Our heat worked all winter, our lights always came on. I am typing this with an internet connection that never ceased. We were lucky to have family that could help out when things were really hard or with an unexpected cost that severely set us back. We had friends that invited us out and then wouldn't let us pay.

I'd be lying if I said shopping wasn't something that I was looking forward to, I really would love to walk into the mall and walk out with bags of clothes. I'd like to get highlights and a pedicure, two things that 2 years ago I did without a second thought. But things change. I have changed. I am looking forward even more to being able to pay my bills without a hardship, to my credit card once again having a zero balance, to building up a savings account that will allow me to sleep better at night. To buying laundry soap.

Words from Gabriel

The funny thing about kids is you spend the first 18 months waiting for them to talk and walk. Then they do...

Mom, I can't believe I was fired. I was the most senior person on Sector 23. They fired me for no reason, no reason, can you believe it? They are gonna need me for Sector 24 because it's very dangerous. Mom, you'll need to market me to new prospects.

When someone asks what ridiculous means I just show them a picture of YOU!

I am old enough to ride my bike around the block by myself. I know you don't want to admit it, but really I am almost 8 years old, and well...*shakes head*, you are just going to have to deal with it.

I wish I had those kids' parents because they don't have to wear helmets when they ride their bikes. You are so unfair. Like the meanest mom EVER.

(*I cleaned Dirty Mondays for you, here is my bill.*) I am not paying, I didn't ask you to clean and I closed Dirty Mondays down.

You are so ignorant. (*Can you tell me what that means?*). Yes, you can't learn, which is true because you just had to ask.

I love you more in your face, HA! 1 to 0.

On a scale up to 200 for being nice to me, you have a 166. Arlo (*the dog*) is beating you. You should change.

It's not that I am not hungry. It's just that the meatball tunnel in my stomach is full, but the Cheetos tunnel is empty.

(*Gabriel, you need to pick up dog poop in the back yard*) Why do I have to do everything around here? I mean, what exactly do you do?

I am going to go to 'Ale for college, mom. (*Do you mean Yale?*). Whatever, it's in Connecticut.

Dad's rule is that even if it's inappropriate, we are still going to watch it.

You can say don't tell mom, but she will just find out anyway.

Updated LinkedIn but Not My Resume

When I was a kid, my uncle bought me a set of books. One of the books was about a mom and daughter running errands on the mom's day off. They had breakfast, went to the post office, the grocery store, the bank, the park for lunch. I don't know why this book stayed in my memory, I couldn't tell you a thing about the others.

In the illustrations, the mom is wearing a suit with heels. This is a far cry from my errands outfit normally consisting of a t-shirt, cargo pants/shorts, a ball cap with pony tail sticking out, and my ever present aviators. I wear a ball cap and aviators so often that if I lived in LA or NYC, paparazzi would probably follow me thinking I was someone famous. I've gone to the bank twice this week and it's only Wednesday. Normally, the grocery store is before or after the bank, dependent on if I have to go to the post office or not. I have a bad habit of not knowing I don't have stamps until I actually need one. I blame on-line bill pay. Unlike the mom in the book, I try to accomplish most of my errands while my son is in school. Once he is home, it's snack time, homework, play time, dinner, clean up, bed time routine. If someone was stalking me, they'd catch on to my schedule very easily. Note to potential stalkers: I can lock and load, you've been warned.

I've never been a fly by the seat of my pants (or skirt) type of woman. This doesn't mean I am not fun, but it means I like a certain amount of consistency and order. I like a schedule, but can stray from it and adapt. I will dance in the rain, but my rain boots will dry out in the garage, on the rubber mat, placed by the door, for this purpose. My toothbrush is always in my carry-on luggage, along with my phone charger, and contacts supplies. A psychologist would probably set out a list of reasons for this Type A anal retentive nature stemming from my childhood, some of it may make sense, until you meet my brother and realize we are polar opposites.

I think my drive and motivation force me to be this way in order to run a house, deal with stress, raise a child, and work, it makes me feel like I have some type of control in a world where we can control so little. All week I have been happily and excitedly prepping to return to work full time. I've been going through my office boxes, making calls, figuring out day care, doing errands, cleaning, devising a new work out schedule, you get the idea...but...I haven't worked full time in about 2 years...

In the back of my head, there's this little worry of what if I can't do it anymore? What if I don't remember how to work 50 plus hours a week and still be a mother? What if I don't remember how to be a mother and still do my job well? What if I can't keep my house clean anymore? How will I fit in my workouts? Can I even still put make-up on?

Then it hits me, I could hire a cleaning person if needed, Gabriel is capable of doing more chores than he was when I worked before, the puppy isn't a puppy anymore, Bob Evans Friday nights were always fun, being so close to Beachwood Place will help me keep my workouts so I can shop. I start to feel better. I still don't know what half the stuff in this make-up bag is though.

I start to realize I can do this, I will do this, I will do it all and rock at it. I may not sleep a lot. I may need a trip to Sephora and Bare Essentials to remember how I put this stuff called eyeshadow on. I am Wonder Woman (back off Linda Carter). Aah another motivation for keeping my workouts---I see a Wonder Woman Halloween costume in my future. I always wanted those boots.

I am not updating my resume again, just LinkedIn and I did that on Friday before my workout after the post office.