I remember being curled up on the floor. Tears streaming causing puddles around me. I couldn't get up. It's not that I wouldn't, it's that I was incapable.
That was my first real experience of heartbreak. Forget what I thought that word meant. Heartbreak. My son will now tell you that heartless and heartbreak are impossible, your body can't function w/o your heart. The kid knows so much, but yet he has so much to experience.
The experience, tears, pain, depression, mistakes. It taught me a lot, it cost me a lot-financially and more importantly not financially. It brought me back to me. After all, if you don't love and respect yourself, what do you really have? Who can you love?
There was no snap to it moment. There was no near death experience. God and angels did not visit me. Instead me came back to me.
Me. Who was I? I wasn't this person. I wasn't a person who was incapable of getting up off the hardwood floor. I wasn't a person who couldn't go to work. This was not me.
Janine was a strong independent woman, who spoke her mind and stood up for what she believed. Janine was a powerhouse, who never went down (Do you hear that Brown's receivers?). So why was I not getting up?
I'd love to say it was an easy journey (don't stop believing...) But it wasn't. When you misplace yourself, you are not easily found (and you thought Waldo was hard to find). But finding yourself is vital.
Step 1: realizing there are things you can control and things you can not. You just can't.
Step 2: letting go of what you can't control. For a type A, anal retentive, control freak, this can be difficult. But honestly, if I can learn to do this, surely you can. Don't believe me? Have you ever had people sit in your passenger seat, disrupt the order of your glove box, and then stare intently at their wrist watch laughingly counting the seconds/minutes until you can no longer take it, pull over, and fix the contents of the glove box, repairing all to size and shape order. No? Then you can do this. I did and this example is a true story. Multiple times over.
Step 3: remembering there are things out of your control.
Step 4: Focus on what you can control. Really focus. Hard. Stop reading. FOCUS.
Step 4a: there are two kinds of people in your life. Those you love, who love you. Those you love, who don't love you. Think about the people in your life. Where do they fall? Who can you rely on if your electric is shut off? Flat tire? Psycho friend attack? Hard night with the kids? Tough day at work?
Step 4b. Severe ties with those who fall into "do not love you" category. Don't think more, don't think it will change. History repeats itself. Love YOU.
Step 5: Think about why you keep those who don't care about you in your life. This can be hard. You may not want to face it, but you will be stronger, better, and happier if you do.
Step 6: Release those who are unhealthy, non-supportive, and uncaring from your life. Let go.
Step 6a: Seriously. Why haven't you yet? In the words of Janet Jackson, Ms. Jackson, if you're nasty, what have they done for you lately? (this is not to say life is about you, but you have to be about you).
Step 6b: Mourn. Mourn what you hoped for, mourn the loss of the unworthy. But for the love of you, stand up. Get up. Walk.
Step 6c: Don't mourn too long. Focus on YOU.
Step 7: Establish your ideals. Think long. Think hard. Who are you?
Step 8: What are your passions? Focus on your passions. They are your heart. You can't survive without a heart (maybe the kids knows more than I think at times).
Now you know why dance counts 5, 6, 7, 8. 8 is where it all begins.
Dance. Like no one is watching.
