The Seasons of My Life, Thoughts Provoked by Stevie Nicks

Years ago I watched a movie with Gwenyth Paltrow: Sliding Doors. The movie follows her life when she makes the train and when she doesn't. SPOILER ALERT: even though it's years old: when she makes the train she discovers cheating. When she doesn't, she still discovers cheating, it just takes a bit longer. The ending to side A and side B is the same. It gets you thinking: is final jeopardy already decided?

Having attended (subjected to, survived) 12 years of Catholic school this movie stuck with me. We were taught free will. Without it, how do you explain good vs evil, yin and yang, the Browns and the Steelers, the Yankees vs the Free World...

I have always been one to believe (yes, I do believe in some things, Virginia), that the person I am today is a result of my life experiences. (You take the good, you take the bad and there you have the fact of life...) The child within me has risen above...but what if none of these things occurred? Would I still be me?

Sailing through the changing ocean tides:

Visiting my baby brother in the hospital looking at a room of babies through a window seeing which one he was. I still remember sitting in the corner of a gray plaid couch when he came home so I could hold him (the corner so the arm could assist me in supporting his new born head, I later fed him spaghetti). To this day, I treat him like a child and a friend. He's my blood, he's my baby brother. He now prefers steak.

My parents divorce. I grew up. I looked out. I learned. I learned more than either of my parents would probably be comfortable in me sharing. Time makes you bolder, children get older.

Empathy. The first time you serve in a soup kitchen, the first time you help a child to read (and then later see that child on the rapid with a parent who is too drunk to listen), the first time you help at a school and learn that the breakfast you are feeding him/her is the first meal they have had since lunch at school yesterday.

Motherhood: the first time you hold your baby in your arms and know that you are a mother. That no matter what, you are a mother. The first time you run every light on a main road in an effort to get your unconscious child to the ER just a little quicker. The memory of that day still makes me cry, it was the worst day of my life. I am a mother.

Anger at the world. The first time (of many) you read The Diary of Anne Frank. The first time you see a man pick up a prostitute in a pressed/ironed shirt driving an A6 with a Solon High School sticker in the window. The racial slurs out of the mouths of kids.

Saying I do. Forever. (sentences start ending with: for the rest of my life), For better, for worse. Til Death (read that again, til DEATH). Building your life around the needs and wants of another? Maybe for the Hope Diamond? UGH. Disney doesn't teach you how hard this can be after the fairy tale dress gets put away.

The first time you lose a job when you have something to lose. The landslide can take you down.

College, Alpha Xi Delta: ...but without bitterness, or defeat, you must encounter misfortune and with humility meet success. So I will.

This Thing Called Work, What a Time Sucker!

It's been almost a month since my return to full time work. Possibly because of all the hours I have been working, it seems much longer. However, due to all the unknowns, it seems much shorter.

I still don't have "the process" down. Part of me feels like I need to cut myself some slack--returning to full time work after being home over a year and working part time for 8 months is an adjustment. It would be an adjustment on its own, let alone when you have a child, a home, and a dog, who just learned the hard way squirrels are not black with a white stripe. The other part of me feels like a month is long enough and I should have this down (have I ever mentioned I have high self standards?).

So readers, perhaps your insight and suggestions can help me return to my previously perfect in every way self.

Still working on:
1. I have yet to clean my entire house at once. I know this is possible. I vaguely remember a life in which I did this and worked full time.

2. I haven't managed to fit in consistent workouts. I am starting to feel sluggish (and fat). I know I will feel better once my workout routine is in check, I just haven't gotten the system down yet.

3. I really prefer to make a weekly dinner menu, shop for said weekly menu, and prep things the night before. This saves so much time and guarantees a decent home cooked meal each night. While this may have been easier to accomplish during the winter months (hello crock pot season), I need to make this adjustment now before my son returns to school.

4. My bad long commute self is doing decently with my miles spent in a car, but I could probably use a little more work on not using words like "moron", "idiot", "seriously", and "wtf" while driving. At least not as often...it's not like I can't use my horn. Right?

Glimmers of sparkly shinning perfection are there though...seriously, break out your sunglasses people!

Got it:
1. I really need to keep my bed time consistent, I need my sleep and I don't wake up easily. My mom told me once that when I was a baby, she used to have to wake me up to eat. I am not shocked.

2. I am all around better when I have time for myself. Some days it's just 20 minutes, other days it's an hour. The point is I need it and everyone around me needs me to have it too.

3. I can drink coffee at 4:00pm and still go to sleep at night.

4. I can only do so much and sometimes things have to wait until the next day. Please return to breathing, I really have realized this. I swear I am not even looking at my blackberry.

5. Breathe. Absorb. Listen. Think. There's something to be said about being a sponge. Now if I could just figure out how to use one more consistently.