How many times have you said the following or a similar sentence: I wish I could go back to high school; I would love to be 5 years old again; I'd do anything for the "problems" I had at 16?
As we grow up, as we mature, as we gain responsibility both at a job and in our personal lives, our problems change. It's nature. Most of us will go from having someone else (i.e. a parent) care of us, make sure there is a roof over our head, food on the table, and clothes on our back, to doing this for ourselves. Obviously, this is a stress changer. Food, clothing, housing, it all costs money, and the day comes that we have to make that money. Some of us, may chose to someday have this accountability for someone else, perhaps a spouse or a child. Yet again, this is a game changer. That money you made when it was just you, doesn't stretch as far as it did. Suddenly, we go from bringing in the mail, to seeing envelopes with our name on them, bills that belong to us. Maybe we even have days where the mail stays in the mailbox, one less thing to consider.
These changes in life, don't negate the challenges or stress we felt earlier, it's just different. Does my gas bill coming to my house today cause me the same stress it did when I was 22? No, but that doesn't mean my 22 year old self wasn't justifiably stressed. Do I know what my friends with kids going off to college are going through? No clue. Do they know what it is like to have a 10 year old? Of course, and while they may look back longingly for the challenges I am just now facing, it doesn't make my now any less important than their now.
So why do we act like those at a different place than we are have concerns that don't matter? Or worse, laugh at them? Is this how we "help"? Maybe we need to think about the kind of help the person needs.
A friend's niece recently broke up with her first love. He cheated on her. My friend wanted to say so many things, but instead she paused. Instead of saying she didn't know her 15 year old boyfriend's name, couldn't remember why they even broke up. She paused. Then in this pause, she remembered herself at 15. Instead of giving grown up advice, instead of negating her niece's now, she chose to listen. Then she did what a good aunt would do, a good aunt, who doesn't want to spend life in prison, that is. She took her niece for a pedicure and ice cream.
This evening, Gabriel and I went over homework as is our normal. Gabriel became very distressed when making a few corrections. He started crying. Gabriel shared that 4th grade is stressing. He is worried he won't have enough time to get everything done. He is worried that the line for his teacher to check his homework book is too long, and he won't get pencils sharpened. He feels rushed, but yet wants to do well. I paused. I remember 3 things about 4th grade: I wore brown framed glasses. I was devasted that the teacher got me in the Christmas gift exchange. I received a beautiful necklace in the Christmas gift exchange. Faux pearls, I still wear it.
But I paused. I listened. Did I share with Gabriel that I barely remembered 4th grade? Of course not. That wouldn't have been helpful to him. Instead I listend to his concerns, really listened. This is his now. We brainstormed on some ideas. I didn't use terms like time management. I didn't tell him to stop crying. I didn't tell him to man up. I was his mother, his friend, his helper. I stayed in his now because my now is to help him complete 4th grade in the best way he can.
and tomorrow I will buy a portable automatic pencil sharpener for his desk. Surely, that will shave several seconds off pencil sharpening.
