Saying Goodbye

Before I left for a work trip I went to see my grandpa. My mom said I may not have another chance, and as it happened, mom's are normally right. Go ahead, read that again, I may not have it in print too often.

As I drove to the exit I have gotten off so many times during my life, I had to take a deep breath. How do you say good bye? Does he know it's good bye? Does he realize why so many people are coming to see him all at once? I thought of a million things to say, none of them seemed right. Final conversations are only ever good in movies and books, after multiple re-writes and edits.

How do you say good bye when it really is good bye? I am the oldest of 26 grandchildren. I was the fixer growing up and now probably the one that sounds so old to at least 10 cousins. I can't fix this. You can't fix lung cancer. When I explained things to my son, he said well don't they have a shot for that?

I walked into the house I had walked into so many times, as a child, sometimes multiple times a day. We used to ride our bikes here. I think I played in that front yard more than my own. The first time I looked at the pictures around the funeral home, I noticed a lot of joy and a lot of kids. My very large family could make some rabbit colonies look small. How many kids have been in and out of that house?

No pink jelly shoes today. Grandpa would be in the hospital bed in his room. There were pictures from an aunt's wedding at the funeral home. I was around 8. I was dancing with my grandpa. No dancing today. I stood by the bed. I was afraid I'd pull one of the tubes. I tried not to move. Grandpa looked so small, so weak. At 33 years old, I wanted my mommy to tell me what to do.

There was so much I wanted to say. I wanted to sit on the bed, but I was too afraid the movement would hurt him. We talked, he seemed tired. I thought I should let him rest. He asked about work, about my trip. He talked about my son and when he had come to visit. He offered some advice. I said yes. He knew there was more, but he didn't push it. He's known me a long time... fixers don't like to be fixed.

When I left, two little girls knocked on the door, they wanted their gumballs and grandma delivered. That would have been grandpa's job not too long ago. No, these are chocolate covered ants. Your grandma really likes them. Here eat one. Grandpa, that's gross. Oh, you don't think you can eat it because your teeth don't come out? I can eat it, Grandpa, I will. Give it to me.

So many people came. I guess when you have 11 kids and live in the same house for decades, you know a few people. As I walk around and look at the pictures, I see Grandpa had a good life. Dramatic at times, sorrowful at others, but also joyous, happy, and loving.

There is only one time I remember Grandpa ever being angry with me. I was not only the spoiled oldest, but I was the daughter of his oldest child. That's good for as many chocolate covered grapes and red shell pistachios you can eat in your pink jelly shoes.