Congrats: You've Been Shut Off.

I didn't pay the gas bill.   They shut us off; owed amount:  $98.

There was a time long ago that if the gas bill wasn't paid it's because we didn't have the money.  Sometimes it was very close to being shut off before we got it paid.  It was only shut off once, in Winter. Gabriel was 3 months old. I can still describe the exact outfit, location, and words as I cried into the phone, please, I have a baby.  Rotation was key when funds were low: electric one month; gas one month; pay this 5 days late so this isn't shut off.  It was stressful. It made you feel like a horrible failure, it made me cry.

I didn't pay the gas bill.  I forgot.

Earlier this week, I was thinking about my outfit for my brother's wedding, well the accessories to the dress.  Strappy 3 inch heels, black.  I have worn them a million times to different formal affairs.  Yesterday, I went to get them to take to my alteration appointment only to realize I no longer had them.  They had been worn a million times, since high school.  They were probably donated several years back.

I forgot I didn't have them anymore. I will wear another pair. 

I was doing really well with my workout regime until 2 weeks in glasses set me back after 2 weeks of insane schedule. 2+2=4.  I put off scheduling a dress alteration until I couldn't wait any more.  I was afraid the dress would no longer fit.  I don't use a scale, but I guesstimate in the last year I have gained about 7 pounds. I am only 5'1, it all goes to the same two spots.  It might as well be 30 pounds.  I am miserable about it.

Sometimes I rather just sit or work on falling asleep then do anything else.

A few weeks back I showed up an hour early for Gabriel's baseball game.  I had the times mixed up and rushed us out the door for no reason.

I had the correct time on the calendar, I just never thought to look.

At work, I am always saying slow down.  I coach people to do this.  In the midst of being pulled in multiple directions, I try to tell myself to slow down too.  I wake up in the middle of the night and think of 5 things I need to do.

I log on and do them, afraid I won't remember when I am actually awake at a normal time. 

I'm trying to focus more on me, more on my family.  I have come up with multiple time management improvements and multi-tasking goals (two strengths until current job, which seems to take everything to the next level). I have thought of a few goals to do this-personal and professional.  I was feeling really good about it.

...and then our gas was shut off.

I cried.  Not because I didn't have the $98, but because I failed at something so basic.  A huge inconvenience until it's turned on tomorrow, 20 minutes on the phone spent by my husband for a bill that's my responsibility.  Both of us home from crap/stressful days, to something that was completely and totally controllable that instead just caused more stress.

Just one more thing.  It's always just one more thing.

Somehow, I wish that tomorrow I was going to a meaningless job, where I'd only "work" 8 hours, where I'd take an actual lunch, where so many people wouldn't need me at once, where I didn't feel stress and pressure as constants. 

Where I had to decide if I was paying electric or gas, but never forgot either one.