White Flag of Surrender

In my head, I had all these ideas as to where my life would be at this point in time (damn type A, planner, list maker in me). Life has thrown more curve balls at me in the last 2 years than Koufax threw in his career. I was never a very good hitter, my timing is normally off. It appears my timing is now off in life too.

When I went back to work after being home a year, it wasn't the ideal location or the ideal pay, but I was happy to be working again. The job duties/responsibilities were ideal for the career path I wanted. Perhaps, my husband didn't need to pick up so many shifts and we could take our son to Kalahari (he's been asking to go for 2 years). Of course, I promptly came up with a new financial plan to include my salary once again and started daydreaming about finally finishing some of the cosmetic changes I've been waiting to do in the house.

When I was once again laid off (my first full time paycheck was my severance check), I was hopeful that I wouldn't be home another year again, the market had really changed, I had earned a new certification. My first week home, I fielded at least 3 calls a day regarding my resume. Of course, some where headhunters without actual jobs, but you can never have too many people helping you in your job search. I was very positive. (OK so I missed the little rugrats too).

Sometimes it's hard to be positive. I've only been home 3 weeks, but I feel like it's been at least 3 months. My car needs some pricey repairs, the mail man still brings me bills, and I still need to pay them, the phone calls regarding my resume have died down. I am still looking at ugly wallpaper in two rooms. Unemployment will be a very, very small amount per week (my monthly payout won't even cover my son's school tuition), and I have yet to actually receive any of it.

I can deal with all kinds of stress: car accidents, broken arms, bloody noses, my mother, my dog thinking squirrels are trying to take over our yard, but I am not good with financial stress. I do not like it when things are not at a zero balance. You hear people who grew up in the Great Depression talk about what they still do to this day because of their experience. I paid off major debt once in my life, it was a life learning experience of frugal living and smart choices. I vowed to never have that issue again. To be faced with the possibility of doing that again, when the cause was out of my hands, makes me wonder if drinking at 9am is acceptable.

People always say: work hard-- it will pay off; if you want something go after it; all things happen for a reason. What people never say is that sometimes it doesn't matter how hard you work -- shit happens; that going after something doesn't always mean you will get it; and that often reasons and off timing don't turn out alright in the end for a long time.

I am no longer sure how much positive thinking I have left in me. I wonder if I can return my MBA, I don't seem to be using it and it wasn't cheap.