When I was 23, I was diagnosed with what can be simplified as Lung Disease. The treatment involved steroids and regardless of what I ate, didn't eat, how much I worked out, or sat on my couch, I gained weight. My young size 0/2 and firm body blew up. I don't know how much I gained; I asked the nursing staff to stop weighing me at my third follow up appointment and they did not argue. The stretch marks left from what my body went through are deep and many. My hips and upper thighs look scarred.
I have always been hard on myself, no one has a greater expectation of me than me. I didn't grow up being self conscious of my body or weight. The after of a disease that could have taken my life combined with other life occurrences at time resulted in me becoming self conscious. My well taken care of skin, look scarred in some places. I stopped wearing shorts and would avoid events requiring a bathing suit.
Life would eventually lead to pregnancy, and the weight loss and gain many busy moms experience. I would eventually begin to scrutinize every inch of my thighs and stomach. My eyes seems to focus on only flaws. I saw every deep scar stretch mark and the eventual cottage cheese cellulite. I never saw survival or strength. I only saw not good enough.
Trying on clothes or even clothes shopping became a chore, something to be avoided. I didn't want to deal with how I would feel in those lights, with those mirrors, in that size.
We moved to Florida at the end of last year for my job. I will say it - I was terrified of the need to wear a bathing suit and shorts again. I almost didn't apply for the promotion.
When taking our son to his favorite store, I saw a Bar Method studio. I longed for something like this, it was not offered where our last move had taken us. Relo and one salary for an unspecified amount of time in a higher cost of living place, I signed up anyway.
I have consistently attended Bar classes 3-5 times a week since January. The group there is amazing and I would do anything for any one of them. The schedule of classes allows me to attend regularly despite my job, which often has me at work at odd times of morning/night (2am, 10pm, etc).
The consistency has allowed me to survive a hard relo, I've concentrated so hard on diamond thigh, standing seat, planks, push ups, that I was able to de-stress and focus on positive. Inches have disappeared, my body leaned out, muscles and definition appeared. I have noticed all of this, but I have been so focused on form, on pushing myself more, that I didn't really notice.
I didn't notice I have worn shorts in public, I didn't notice I walked around in a bathing suit in a public place twice in May. I didn't notice I look at definition now and not the scars. I didn't notice my body self confidence returned.
Earlier this week, I set up for water seat ski, I fell back with a wide arm grip as required and saw, really saw my arms. At first, I didn't believe they were mine. Right there in that moment, I realized how physically strong I was. I realized how physically and mentally strong I had always been, but Bar Method needed to remind me. Bar Method saved my mental state for relo, and Bar Method gave me myself back.
I smiled briefly, remembering how mentally strong I have always been, even when I didn't give myself credit. I smiled briefly realizing I could totally out push up my once athletic brother.
So while Bar Method has changed my body, more importantly it has changed my mindset and improved my self confidence. Bar Method has given me back to me.
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