From Lost to Found

I knew I was a mom, when mother nature informed me with a late cycle. I was late. I was never late. A million thoughts went through my head. We weren't trying, but we obviously weren't doing so great at preventing.

A few days later, while walking in the drug store, I casually walked down the aisle, where the pregnancy tests would be. I shouted behind me, I need a pregnancy test. M said nothing. We drove home, the sun was shining, I looked out the window. I knew it would be positive.

At home we unloaded our purchases and then I went to take the test. It was positive. I shouted from the bathroom to M, who was rooms away: I'm pregnant. In hindsight, I could have at least entered the room he was in. Maybe even taken the test and then handed him one of those "you are going to be a dad cards". I think Hallmark makes them.

You become a mother the minute you know you are expecting. I talked to G (even before I knew he'd be G) all the time in my head. I followed What to Expect When You are Expecting like it was my job. I asked a ton of questions at doctor's appointments. I refused medicine when sick, caffeine when thirsty. I refused the epidural, until a c-section left me no choice but anesthesia.

From the minute I held G (which wasn't immediate due to the c-section--I was actually the 5th person to hold him counting my doctor, a nurse, M, and M's best friend), I wanted nothing but the best for him. His birth turned a lost 25 year old girl into a grown 25 year old woman, who would find her purpose and path in life because her son needed her to. G gave me purpose, he gave me willpower, he gave me hope and desire to figure it all out.

I want G to have all the opportunities and all the advantages I had, I want him to have better. Let's be honest, this is a hard adventure to undertake. I will not give up, not even now. I won't be a lost 33 year old. I lost my job, not my pride (as the song says), not my willpower, not my hope, not my desire. Not my motherhood. I get out of bed everyday because G needs me. I get out of bed everyday because the suit in me likes making waffles just as much as drawing up policies.

I can't even begin to write about the sacrifices my mom made for both my brother and I. I can't even begin to say how she has shaped me as not only a woman, but as a mother. I can only hope that some day when Gabriel starts dating, marries, and has kids that he will look back and think the same regarding me. It doesn't matter what else I accomplish in my life, as long as I do right by him.