If you can survive here

I was speaking with a headhunter today regarding a possible position in a very interesting atmosphere. I use the word interesting for lack of a better word and also to save confidentiality as the replacement is confidential. She said: "what I like about your resume" and I interrupted and said "is that I have worked at many law firms and like the saying goes--if you can survive a law firm, you can work anywhere." She laughed and said exactly, and you have worked at more than one firm. You are obviously strong." No, the job is not at a firm.

We had spoken for about 20 minutes prior to this revelation and I had a good feel for what she was thinking (call it the recruiting intuition). She was direct, to the point, and very business like. Plus, she called me at 9pm. I liked her.

However, the conversation and what she said got me thinking. If you can survive working in a firm (and several in my case), you can work anywhere. You are obviously very strong.

While I do feel I could probably work in any environment in which I found myself, I don't necessarily want to. Just like, I can (some days better than others) deal with the bad hand life sometimes deals me, but I don't really want to. While I know that life is not always easy, and that it has its challenges, I can't help but wonder does it ever end? Is there such a thing as normal? With everything that has happened in my last 2 years, I am beginning to doubt such a thing as normal exists. Perhaps, this is my normal?

If this is my normal, what lesson am I supposed to learn? What more am I supposed to give? Accomplish? Realize? To be honest, the lesson of life is taking its tole on me. The circles under my eyes are becoming ingrained into my otherwise very nice skin. My already thin patience is becoming anorexic.

I am trying very hard to meet success with humility, to encounter misfortune without bitterness or defeat. But it is very hard. Some days I feel like all my strength is gone and all I want to do is go back to bed. I've been at war with the "higher being" for some time now. I am not sure such a being exists. I have been questioning this in a very agnostic way. It's hypocritical in some ways--my son attends a religious school and attends church most Sundays. I still have icons in my house and every now and then I find myself praying.

I am a very stubborn person. I am not ready to cave. Lately, I have been wondering, if perhaps, life is waiting for me to cave before it turns around.