I have made no attempts at hiding my immature and lost early adulthood. I've made no attempts to be deceitful regarding bad decisions I previously made, or irresponsible behavior. I often site examples from my early 20s when talking a friend through a bad time or trying to remind someone that things can and normally do work out--if you learn from your mistakes and try your best. Those of you who went to college with me, probably remember some examples. Some of you probably think you were privy to most of my downfall, but let me tell you, you only saw the tip of the iceberg. It was far, far worse.
I've clawed my way back up from my rock bottom only to find myself falling again. Only this time, it was out of my hands. So why do I feel like I constantly have to defend myself? It's hard enough to have to keep standing up when you are broken, bruised, and battered from falling. It's even harder when you have to defend yourself while standing up.
Yesterday, I was informed that perhaps my two lay offs were my own fault. Maybe something I did caused my particular lay offs. I had no idea I had the kind of power necessary to cause law firms nationwide to cancel summer programs. Or the power to cause a company, which never adjusted to the economic downturn, to hit a downfall when many were rebounding. I wish I had known about this power, maybe I could have used it to find a job already?
Now had this conversation taken place 10 years ago, 8 years ago, I would say absolutely would it have been my fault. Of course 10 or 8 years ago, I wouldn't have said that, but you understand my point. You see, back then I was known to not show up at things, to be irresponsible. It really hurt that as hard as I have worked and as far as I have come in the last 10 years, I still needed to defend myself.
Am I always perfect now? Of course not. Who can say they are? I am, however, a far better person than I was 10 years ago, 5 years ago, even 2 years ago. I could get better at housekeeping. I did it much better after my first lay off. I think because I wasn't having as hard of a time then. Vacuuming didn't make me think about the carpet I wanted to replace, dusting didn't make me think about the furniture I don't have, or the walls I wanted to paint. I was sure at any moment I'd go back to work and I didn't want my house to be dirty. Maybe because I had all these little organization projects I could finally get done.
Do I lose my temper? I am not proud to say, but yes, sometimes I do. Especially now when I am operating on such a short fuse. Stress causes fights. Money causes fight. Stress over money causes household wars. If you think most marriages fail due to a cheating spouse, think again. Most marriages fail due to financial stress.
Do I have days that my bed seems to have magnetic powers as I fight depression? Of course, I am unemployed, I am broke, and I often feel alone. There are only so many times you can say no to Bob Evans before you just don't want to think about bacon anymore (and really I think about bacon all the time, so this is pretty serious).
Am I irresponsible? No. If anything I could stand to have a little more fun. To not constantly be thinking in outline form, to stop thinking about point B before I have finished with point A, to not clean up at parties that aren't at my house, to say no when people ask for help or favors.
Am I immature? A few days ago I would have answered this with a no. However, in the last 72 hours I hit a breaking point, which caused me to do and say some very immature things and they weren't exactly said in a nice even tone topped with sugar. Maybe that is not immaturity, maybe it's just breaking. But it seems like breaking causes immaturity.
Every day I spend hours looking for jobs and applying for jobs. Looking for a job, is a job in itself. I schedule all interviews I am offered, even if they are far away locations (hello, Streetsboro and Highland Heights). I go through the process with everything because something is better than nothing, even if that something is 40 minutes away, gas prices are over $4, and I have a SUV. I had an interview Monday, I have another interview Friday, one on Monday, and one on Tuesday. Plus, I am waiting to hear back from 2 places regarding the next interview. I have a lot in the works, the lengthy processes are just not on the side of my checking account. For someone to say I am doing nothing, irks me.
Today, I am going to follow my normal look for jobs routine, but then I am going to do some housework. I am going to start by cleaning the window pains. I am not going to think about the carpet I'd like to replace or the walls I'd like to paint while I clean. That serves no purpose but to further my depression. I will instead think of a sunny day with a high of 80 and the fact that there is bacon in my freezer. I am not going to think about the doubters, I don't have time to waste on people who don't believe in me. I have bedding to wash.
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